Thursday, December 18, 2014

Coming to terms

Very often, I fancy myself Super Woman. I take on WAY more than I should. I volunteer to do things I know will cost me greatly. I do these things because I believe in the cause, or because I love doing them. Sometimes, this means shifting priorities or asking for help and support from my loved ones; and it does mean I say "no" to an awful lot.

Sometimes though, I have to come to terms with the limitations of my body; and it hurts my ego.

In the past few weeks, I haven't been feeling well. I've shared a bit of that with you. I'm flaring. My fatigue and pain levels are super high. All of this coinciding with the holiday season has pretty much meant that commitments outside of my family haven't been attended to. It is what it is.

But the reason that I am writing now is because I just had to admit that I can't do everything, and that I am not Super Woman, and I had to admit to a part of my identity I often ignore.

My daughter's school holiday party is in the morning. I planned to be a classroom volunteer for the party. Being a former teacher, I recognize the importance of quality parent volunteers--plus I have the idea in my head that "this is what stay-at-home moms do."

Well, as I write this I am packed in heat and ice, filled up on medication, hoping that I will eventually become exhausted enough that the pain won't wake me from my sleep. 

Guess who won't be volunteering for the class party?

Admitting that I won't be able to volunteer is admitting that I'm not a "stay-at-home mom," but rather I am disabled. The reason I am home is not to be a stay-at-home mom (although getting to be present for my kid is a big bonus). I am at home because I am disabled. I can't work. I can't be depended upon to show up at specific times because sometimes my body has other plans. 

So, while my little ego is bruised because I can't pretend to be Super Woman right now, I'll have to be content in that I am sending food, craft supplies, and party supplies. My kid will get to school on time with nutritous food in her belly and her holiday shirt on. And for now, that just has to be enough.  


Saturday, December 13, 2014


I know I have been MIA dears.

I have been ill and run down since my return from Boston.

It's all the normal stuff for us spoonies...but I am using what few spoons I have to parent. I really do hope to be back in the swing of things soon.

I hope you are all well and enjoying the Holidays with your family.


Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Better late than....

I know. This is super late. I promised to write blog posts about things I learned at ACR (the American College of Rheumatology conference). And, two weeks passed.  I'm sorry.  I would make excuses, but the truth is, my fellow spoonies don't need explanations.  They "get it."

My life is a bit crazy, and I'm flaring. I'm cranky. I'm overly sensitive & emotional. Oh well, sh*t happens.

I'll work on the first post tonight and tomorrow and hope to publish by Friday morning.


Friday, November 14, 2014


This weekend, I'm headed off to Boston to attend the American College of Rheumaology conference.  This wil lbe my second trip to attend the conference; which is six days of doctors and researchers discussing the last year's worth of developments in the world of rheumatology.  There are a lot of pharma companies also represented; who come to discuss their medications and treatments with the physicians. 

There is one largely missing component to the conference; patients.  There are not many of us who attend.  Less than a couple dozen.  Coming from the world of education, where our largest conferences and conventions are heavily attended by's odd to attend something where we talk about an entire group of people without them being present and represented among the body.

I was fortunate enough to go last year with the CreakyJoints organization as their patient correspondant.  (If you haven't checked out yet, please do).

This year, in my capacity as blogger interested in parenting and pregnancy with a rheumatic disease, I will be going and attending every session I can that aims to discuss pregnancy and lactation with rheumatic diseases. 

In my capacity as a Patient Governor for the Arthritis Power study headed by CreakyJoints, I will also be attending meetings and meeting researchers that have to do with patient reported outcomes and rheumatoid arthritis.  

I have lots of hats to wear while I'm there.  I'll also be mommy, because my husband and daughter are coming along for the ride.  

I'm hoping to learn a lot and I'm hoping to give more voice for patients; showing doctors that patients can respectfully contribute to the discussion at this annual conference.

See you on the other side, and be sure to check out my twitter feed (@SpoonlessMomma), as I will be tweeting the entire weekend under the hashtag #ACR14.


Monday, October 20, 2014

Spoonie Family Planning

Be forewarned, this post might end up being multiple posts.

Recently, I was able to wean off of my last medication that inhibits folic acid/folate processing.  Which really means that the last major obstacle in the way of trying for baby #2 is gone.

In the three years since the birth of the kiddo, I've gone back and forth on the family planning train so many's ridiculous. 

My initial plan for having kids was always to wait a few years (say, 4) between kids.  The reasons being 1) I REALLY enjoy the baby phase, so I'd like to enjoy it and spread it out over as many years as possible and 2) Being so sick during my first pregnancy (I had severe hyperemesis gravidarum), I wanted to be able to be pregnant when I didn't have to worry about caring for another baby...having a kid in school for a few hours a day is a big help when you need rest & spend your entire day sick.

And then my arthritis got really crappy and doctors were saying I needed to reconsider that timeline- 1) they were reluctant to put me on some aggressive arthritis therapies if I was only going to be on them for a relatively short time before I wanted to have another child 2)My PCP at the time scared the crap out of me saying that I really needed to get pregnant before the magic age of 30, when my risk of pregnancy-induced heart failure increased...especially with aggressive arthritis which can have some not so great cardiovascular comorbidities.

So, we tried to get pregnant.  And I miscarried, twice.  Turns out my Hashimoto's disease was really impacting my TSH levels.  My thyroid disease was not controlled, I had a goiter, and thyroid disease can be a real drag on fertility. 

And then my daily headaches got really cranky again. So, I had another IUD inserted.

So, here we are.  I am off all of the bad stuff when it comes to birth defects and pregnancy. My thyroid is controlled.  My husband's company introduced some really awesome daddy leave.  Is it time to take the leap?  I'm afraid to say yes. I'm afraid to not go for it NOW, when everything seems to be perfect.  But, I just started some really great professional things in my life and as a family we're starting to travel again... Am I ready to stop all of that or slow down to have a baby?

No person or family has an easy time deciding when to have another baby... Being a spoonie makes it that much more complicated.

What do you all have to say? I'd love to hear from other spoonie moms.


Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Wheelchair = invisible and single?

I had an eventful week. My husband and I visited family in Southern California and spent a few days in Disneyland. 

I also walked/ran the 5k event in the Long Beach Marathon with the Cure Arthritis team.

 It was an amazing event, and I will write about it at length later. 

Now is time for venting. 

Because I did the 5k, and because my dysautonomia & orthostatic hypotension have been misbehaving, I made the decision to use my power wheelchair while in Disneyland. The cast members and crowd were nothing short of awesome. It was nice to be in a crowded public place and not have to fight to get around and be truly  accommodated. 

And then...

At the end of our second day, my husband and I pulled into an area for us to be able to watch the fireworks. Being in a wheelchair for such and event means that finding a place where you can see is....difficult. 

My husband left me in our prime spot to grab some water so I could take my medication. Some "man" (loosely using the term) decided to step directly in front of me, blocking me view. He saw me. He just didn't care or understand how he was blocking my view. And, certainly not caring that I had to scope out my spot for a long time to get a place where I could see from my wheelchair. 

"Excuse me," I said.

And then I got yelled at, berated, and told to "chill the fuck out!" 

"Calm down!" He said to me. 

Never mind that he was the one making a scene and yelling.

If you know me, you know I am no shrinking violet. 

"I'm not the one swearing and yelling, you calm down! You are blocking my view and I'm in a wheelchair."

He decided he didn't want to be near me and proceeded to yell at his group "Get me away from this crazy bitch."

At that point, strangers in the crowd came to my defense and told him he needed to leave. 

He decided to add one more insult: "Get a husband!"

Having to have he last word, "I HAVE A HUSBAND THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

Apparently being in a wheelchair makes you invisible, irrational, and permanently single all at the same time. 

My words I didn't use around the happy children in Disneyland: "You need to get a brain asshole!"

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

No one to blame but myself, or The importance of self-care

Yesterday morning, I took the kiddo to an early dentist appointment.  Since we have a lot going on right now, I decided on the "divide and conquer" method with my husband.  I left him home to do some chores while I took the little one to her appointment.

The night before, I didn't get to bed at a reasonable hour.

I didn't eat breakfast before we left for the appointment.

I forgot to take my water bottle with me, and rather than stop to get one, I decided to just power through.

When I got home, I didn't eat anything.

I didn't take a nap, even though I was super tired.

It was 5:30PM before I had anything substantial to eat.

No wonder that by 6:00 PM I had a full, complete migraine.

I am still migraine cycling today. And I have no one to blame but myself.

Moms and spoonies, remember to take care of your self. Learn from my stupid mistake.